Ignacio Ruiz-Quintano: Tuchel Road

Updated:05/31/2021 00:25h


Well, if Florentino Pérez wants to inaugurate the Bernabéu by winning, he already knows what style of coach is imposed, and Jaime Urrutia, who in football is piperazo, can already change the Camino Soria (Zidane was not an idiot nor Guardiola a gangster / and for The two of you will know / that the forgetfulness of love is cured in solitude. / To the shore of the Bernabéu / there is a truth. / To the shore of the Bernabéu my love I wait for you. / I am on the way to Tuchel … Etcetera) along the Camino Tuchel.

Okay, playing with Kanté is playing with fifteen, but Tuchel has consecutively destroyed Simeone and his anti-tank hedgehogs; Zidane and his baraka from Kabylia; and Guardiola and his ‘Phenomenology of the spirit’, whose approach to the final criticizes (a bull past) sports journalism. Do they not say that Zidane has left for the second time (the same ‘scares’ that Camacho already has) due to the criticism of his approach against Chelsea in London? Well, Guardiola must be packing his bags, although in Manchester he is loved for the conversation he gives. He can’t even hold on to Mateu, the referee, whom there is nowhere to grab anyway. Nobody knew what that guy aired in the final, until we saw him as one more progressive of those committed to his time, which is quite an idiotic time, really. In Pucela, for example, two teachers teach with skirts in order, according to them, to raise awareness about ‘diversity and tolerance’, something that Gustavo Bueno never thought of … and that has not occurred to Tuchel yet, who already deserves the nickname of The Professor. How would Kanté look at Tuchel, if Tuchel, to raise awareness of ‘diversity and tolerance’, showed up at the training ground dressed as Mary Quant?

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They sell us that Flóper is entangled with the Bernabéu coaches (perhaps from that, the fire the other day in the stadium) like Cervantes with the mayors of Daganzo: Humillos, who by being an old Christian dared to be ‘a Roman senator ‘; Hock, who knew how to ‘wear a plow bravely’; Berrocal, which had an egg with stamped flavors on the palate; and Pedro Rana, who promised a stick of holm oak and oak so that it would not bend “at the sweet pace of a bag of ducats.” Good heavens! Conte, Pochettino, Ancelotti and Raúl. Who of the four is less lazy? I was in the mood for Allegri, a gentleman with no fuss in the band (that even Tuchel suddenly becomes asymmetrical and starts herding fans like Matthew ‘Matt’ Garthen (Montgomery Clift) cows in ‘Red River’!). At the Bernabéu, and less so at the new Bernabéu, coaches who spit in suits or those who drive the public do not hit.

Tuchel and Émery are the European coaches of the year. Both won their finals by imposing skillfully on superior teams. Émery did it with a team built around Parejo, an extraordinary footballer about whom Real Madrid has never given explanations. And Tuchel has the merit of having won the Champions League final with Timo Werner, the white Vinicius, which is the same merit that Zidane had for winning the League with Vinicius, the black Timo Werner.

“Lose City.” Perd Guardiola. He loses Catalonia. It loses democracy. Chelsea wins. Bartomeu wins. Spain wins. Fascism wins.

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That was the comment of a tweeter that, speaking of men, allows us to stop at Guardiola’s shoulder in the Porto final: not to line up for a single minute any of the four summoned by Luis Enrique for the Eurocopa Autonomous Combined: Ferrán Torres, Eric García, Laporte and Rodrigo. Luis Enrique, one of the triumvirs of Los Elegantes, with Rubiales and Molina, has committed the ordinariness of leaving Real Madrid, the club that with Barcelona supports Spanish, European and world football, without a representative in the Eurocopera pachanga of the year ‘the Coviz’.

– The century is crazy. Mad with vileness, resignations, lies, impostures and ugliness, and what has been called a ‘crisis of civilization’ is nothing but the fearful rejection of all greatness – Jean Cau, who thought a lot about these things, cried out in the desert European cultural.

And he knew how to see (for those who think that football progresses because it has VAR, and Mateu on his knees) that the decline is perfectly compatible with scientific progress: «Our societies are not healthy because hearts are transplanted or the Moon is walked: Euclides and Archimedes ascended to the firmament of science while Athens collapsed. ‘

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